Me and Sara spent Night 1 at the hospital by ourselves. She was the best-behaved baby in the ward. Now and then, I could hear babies crying all night long. But my little angel is content with her sleep. She woke up twice for breastfeeding and once when she poo in her diapers. I had to go to the toilet for quite a while but Sara is very understanding and doesn’t make a peep.
On Day 2, I was discharged and we went home. I don’t know whether its because I was induced to get into labour or what, but I didn’t look like I gave birth. In fact, I look like 7 months pregnant. My tummy was still intact, I felt like they left another baby in there. During the night, Sara is beginning to show signs of jaundice, which I feared but I was determined to give her exclusive breastfeeding. Even though my nipples are cracked and bleeding, I let her clung to it and boy…my baby sure takes her time feeding. She can go as long as 1 hour per breast. And I actually fell asleep and dreamt about everything nipple-related. In short, breastfeeding for me is not easy. Everytime she feeds, I feel like Hayden Christensen in Awake (where the surgeon cuts him open while he was awake).
Day 3, Sara begins to develop a fever. Her body feels warm and her eyes and skin turned yellow. Me and my mum was worried to death. Worse of all, my breast suddenly refuse to produce anymore milk. I’ve tried every remedy but none of it works. We didn’t even have any formula at home since I am determined to breastfeed her exclusively for at least six months. During the night, Sara cried a lot. My mum was the one holding her as I am not strong enough. My mum had to feed her plain water to get through the night. When morning came, my hubby went out and bought formula milk. I was so frustrated at the time because I couldn’t feed my own child.
Day 4, my mum brought Sara to the clinic and we discovered that she has jaundice and were almost admitted to the ward. When she came back home, I was once again determined and willing to sacrifice my sore nipple to give her breastfeeding. After 2 days, we brought her back to the clinic, and her jaundice reading dropped so much to the doctor’s surprise. I also went for my check-up and even the nurse was shocked to see the state of my sore and cracked nipple and advised me to stop feeding for a while.
During the following days, it was always a struggle for me and Sara during breastfeeding. After some hard thinking, I decided to let go and stop breastfeeding. It was the hardest decision ever. But, I couldn't even wear proper shirt, and worse of all, I couldn't even hug my own child. So, I quit breastfeeding, and she was one happy baby because she doesn't have to try so hard to feed and finally I can hug my baby to sleep.
Sara's favourite position to sleep