Nope. I haven't give birth. Not yet.
But somehow, this pregnancy is really different from the previous two. Well, for once, I am carrying a boy (yeay!) and I've had some series of minor complications this time around.
Noticed some bleeding at 30 weeks and was admitted to the hospital for a night. Alhamdulillah, mummy and baby is doing fine for now.
My hemoglobin count keeps dropping, my blood pressure is always on the low side, I'm borderline diabetic, my weight is steadily increasing (4kgs in one month!!)....don't even ask me how much I weigh now :(
And just now, when I went for my monthly check-up, my baby is in a breech position. The doctor was all calm and said positive things like its still early, but knowing that the head is not engaged at 32 weeks still makes me feel unsettled.
I mean, since my previous two daughters were of normal birth, I am really nervous of this one. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for mothers that have to go through c-sect. You know why? Because I am a scaredy cat who is deathly terrified by needles, operations, medicines and whatnot. I can't even swallow a pill like normal people do. It'll take me half a bottle of water just to get a normal sized capsule down my throat.
I refused epidural for my first two births not because of the need to go organic/au naturel whatnot, but its because I'm scared of the big ass needle poking into my spine. I mean, I'll gladly take the epidural if it can be administered through hmmm gas perhaps?
I closed my eyes throughout giving birth, and I never once dared to peek at whats happening down under. I turned around for every injection, every blood draw (yes, even the ones where they poke the finger using the teeny weenie needle). Due to that, I'm fairly sure that I'll have a panic attack if I have to hear the sound of people slicing open my stomach.
I don't know what to feel, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel either. On one hand, I'm scared of giving birth through vaginal birth, but I think the feeling is somewhat lesser compared to giving birth via csect. At least I have had the experience before, and at least I know the level of pain I'd have to endure. On the other, I know its still early and the baby have a lot of room to turn around and what really matters is the safety of the baby, right?
But for csect...?? Just imagining going into the operation theatre instead of labor room is enough to make me break my sweat.
And, just when it couldn't have been more nerve wrecking, yesterday I met a friend who had to undergo csect for her third birth (her previous two were normal birth) because the baby was in breech position.
Aaaaa...how now brown cow???