Life

It has been a while since I last penned my thoughts here.
It has been more than a while since I last mused too.

Having 3 kids definitely contributed to the lack of self-reflection, but if I have ever learn one or two things from my past, it is never to let things go unsaid.

Life has been....well...kinda fine at the moment.

But to get to this point of my life right now, I have made some pretty big changes, some life-altering decisions.

Although I can't say that those were all right decisions, I can't also say that I regretted the choices I made.

Sure, I could have been more...tolerant perhaps. But then again, why do things that will only result in increasing the feeling of worthlessness?

I'm walking away because I believe I worth more...and I deserve more.

It has been difficult. I won't paint a rosy picture because in spite of the struggles I faced, I grew stronger.

I woke up one morning realizing that I have nobody to depend on except for myself, so I picked up where everybody else decided to left off and continued from there.

Things have become better over the years. But knowing you are alone when you are at your lowest certainly taught me that at the end of the day, you really have no one else to rely on but yourself.

I have completed my Masters degree with 4.0CGPA.
I have taken up a new hobby (yoga and fitness).
Kids have been wonderful, decent and kind, and understanding.
I have maintained my good old friends, and found some new ones.
I have found peace with things that have happened.

So, all in all, life is good. Alhamdulillah....

Much love :*

Dina...dina....dina

My lovely adorable little irrepressible daughter....Where shall I start?

Shall I start with how you have blossomed into this talkative little girl, complete with your cute way of talking...You can't pronounce the letter s and these are some of your memorable dialogue only certain people can understand :

"Mummy, I want ma-mo-tof"
"Kakak got gin pes"
"Why Ali kai po no nyijen"

Or shall I start with the fact that you still refuse to be toilet trained, you didn't even care that you were already drenched with your own pee?

Or maybe start with the fact that you have this cute little gaps in your teeth, that when you smile, you become this cute litte rabbit :)

Or the way you really hated cold water, you'd prefer to stand beside and cheered for Sara in the swimming pool, rather than join in the fun with her...

Or the way you sulk everyime I came back from work and didn't hold to your hand...

But it doesn't matter though,

Because I shall end with how you have this special place in my heart, a tiny pedestal reserved only for you to occupy.

I love all of my children but perhaps Dina a little bit more. Haha. I know I'm not supposed to say that, but at this age, she's the one that got my heart tied up to her pretty little finger. She's just soooo lovable, its hard to not love her more.

I don't feel guilty though, I felt the same way when Sara was at this age and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna love Addeen just as much :)

I'm on a roll..haha

Haha..

Seems like I can't stop writing...all my pent-up thoughts are pouring out like mad now.

Oh, but wait. I need to pump first.

.
.
.

Ok, done.

Yep, I'm still breastfeeding (pats self on back) albeit not exclusively, since Addeen has start taking solids.

Alhamdulillah, he eats really well. He is also pretty fast in terms of physical development compared to his two sisters. He started to roll over at two months and is now crawling like a champion.

He has also started to prop himself into a standing position.

Oh, this one I had to share...its regarding the milk booster I consumed. My milk supply was ok, not abundant but just enough for Addeen. Then I tried this milk booster. I drank a sachet before I went to sleep and whaddayaknow...I woke up at 3am with the bed drenched with my milk. My breast was full and as hard as watermelon. I immediately pumped and got almost 15oz. That was one powerful milk booster. Heh.

But, as do all stimulant, it didn't work its magic everytime I consume it, or else I'd be a walking pump machine. So, I drank it sparingly, focusing on days when I noticed my milk supply dropped. On average, I got about 11oz stored daily, and I have about 60oz++ as stock..so all is good.

The name of the milk booster? Umma lacto. Tested and proven by me. :)

Sara

Wow..this post was drafted like aeons ago..I wonder why I didn't publish it. Hmph..cant remember why, so here goes :)

The thing is, now Sara is almost six now, and all of these happened when she was four/five years old. Reading this...I get a lil bit emotional inside because Sara nowadays is more like a grumpy teenager rather than a cute talkative little girl like this post depicts.

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With Sara, everyday we have random conversation that tickles me....so here's to recap those conversation for memory's keepsake

#1

(neighbour's bibik came to our house crying, she had a massive fight with her employer. We didn't dare to intervene, of course, but didn't have the heart to chase her out from our front yard because it was raining and she had nowhere else to go)

Sara : Mummy, why the bibik is crying in front there?
Me : The bibik and the *neighbour* is having a crisis
Sara : What's a crisis?
Me : A crisis is when you fight really hard with somebody and both become very angry and nobody wants to apologize
Sara : Oooohhh

Several moments later..

Sara : Mummy, the bibik is still there. *neighbour* still doesn't want to compromise ke?
Mummy : LMAO. Yes, I think they will need some time to cool down first.

Hehe. I taught her the word compromise a few months back. I didn't think that she'd know how to use the word, but amazingly she did...and in the right context as well. *proud*

#2

Sara has inherited my slight okay fine, severe aversion of cats. Last Friday, we had lunch at some odd place while waiting for my dad to finish his Friday prayer and there were cats all around. I put on my brave face and pretended like the cats didn't bother me while Sara was clinging on to me for dear life. Haha. But you know cats, they can smell the fear and kept crawling back to us.

Sara : (with tears brimming in her eyes) Mummy, why la you bring me to this horrible place?

I pitied her, but her choice of words and her expression at that time was too funny, I end up laughing instead.

#3

I was in the bathroom when I heard Sara entered the room and started rummaging with my books. Peeked out and saw she was lying down on the bed when she suddenly sees me.

Sara : Mummy, I'm trying to tell story to Marut and Zozo (yeah, she has imaginary friends with very peculiar names)
Me : Ok. i'm in the bathroom, just call me if you need anything ok.
Sara : Ok.

Several moments later, I heard Sara started to tell her story.

Sara : Marut, Zozo, I tell story ok. The story is "The End of a lovely day".

I immediately got tears in my eyes (blame the hormones) because the title was very sweet. The story was ridiculously imaginative as usual, but the title was really sweet and made me want to write a book on that title. Ha.

#4

The entire family (sans my dad) was present during my 3d/4d scan. We got to see the gender of the baby, and the tech told us "see, you will be having a boy. you can see the bebird clearly in this picture"

Sara was really excited and told everybody about it.

Sara : Totok, rugi la you didn't follow us to scan Mummy's stomach just now. The doctor said that its a boy because can see the bebird.
Totok : What's a bebird?
Sara : Ala..its the thing that all boy have. Same like yours and babah.
Totok : *blushed*
Everyone else almost died of laughter. Tee hee.

#5

Sara : Mummy, how big is the baby inside ur stomach now?
Me : Showed her my hand. I think its this big
Sara : How big is the baby inside Ciksu's stomach?
Me : Showed her my pinky
Sara : Ooh...Big like Paksu's mole?

Continuation of what's been happening

Remember Sara finally finding a school she likes and has been going ever since?

Well, that didn't last very long. Apparently, the "teacher's place" is too much of a playschool for her. I want to learn how to read, she says. Pfft.

I utilized my three months maternity leave to find a suitable place for her and we found a nice school in Dengkil (suggested by a dear friend)

I accompanied her for the first one week. I even sat in her class for the whole day and only left when it was time to pump my milk.

It got better the following week, I guess she was ready and she really like the fact that the school is a proper school, a place to learn, not play. Haha.

So, all was well and life is good. Sara's been going steadily to school, Dina was doing really okay at home, Addeen was a bit challenging but manageable. Until.

Until my stupid bibik decided to ran away. She has stayed with us for more than a year, she has been really good with the children, she was a godsend. Ppffttt.

Previously I felt no qualms leaving my children at home with my parents because I know there's an extra set of hands readily available to do all the housekeeping. My parents can just concentrate on the kids. Now that bibik's gone, I'm finding it very hard to keep up with my work and managing the house chores.

Again, don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful that I live with my parents and I don't have to be worried about my children when I go to work. I came home everyday to freshly delicious home-cooked meal. But, it is impossible to be a supermom that my mom wishes me to be. 

I make do with what I have though, no matter how tired I was, I made sure I do all the laundry related things (wash, hang, fold) everyday and I try to make sure I clean the kitchen everyday. Its just that sometimes especially when I am too tired, I missed on doing certain things and my mom would get so frustrated with me, I will feel incompetent and basically all the negative things will start to happen.

I am okay with messy places (see my desk, my room). Seriously, I can live in messy environment. Not dirty, but messy. My mom can't.

I am okay with not doing all the house chores if it meant I get to relax and spend time with the kids. I know the clothes wont fold themselves, the dishes wont wash themselves but if by doing all the chores makes me tired and grumpy, I might as well postpone doing it, right?

Wow, this post is turning into something rather personal. So, I'm gonna stop here. Till next time.

Its been so long...I don't even know where to begin

Lets see..

I last wrote about my pregnancy..well obviously I'm no longer pregnant now. I had delivered a beautiful baby boy, he's now seven months young and has started eating solids. Hah! Seems like I was gone for almost a year. So, here's an update of everything:-

1) Pregnancy/Delivery

Had the same old experience. Got myself checked in, got induced, felt the contraction pain, dilation was progressing.

Until this happen : My water broke, had VE, was informed that he is now in breech position, barely had time to recover from the shock when I suddenly felt the urge to push, docs are frantically asking me to withhold the pushing, I was like a maniac screaming "I need to push now", they urgently pushed me into the OT for an emergency Csect, I felt like dying, they administered the anesthesia and I remembered going "Aaaahhhh...so this is why they chose Csect".

Seriously, getting that anesthesia was the best thing that happened in my life. Haha. First I felt this excruciating pain like my body was split into two, and then suddenly I felt nothing. No pain. Oh the bliss.

2) Post partum recovery

Oh my god. Had the worst two weeks of recovery. Depended on painkillers around the clock. Googled everything about Csect recovery and found comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one suffering from the after effects of Csect. I don't know about you, but I was in pain all the time, in fact, moving myself from one position to another seems like a daunting task.

Good news - the pain subsided after 2 weeks, I can function like normal people and hey presto! breastfeeding was easier this time around. Didn't have all the cracked and bleeding nipple and my baby feeds like a champion.

3) The baby

My boy. My protector.

Addeen Qushairy

How is having a boy different from having two girls?

HE CRIES. A LOT. AND HE DOESN'T SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.

He is definitely not an easy baby *sigh* Don't take this the wrong way, despite everything, I'm grateful he's well and he's mine. Its just that he takes so much of me and my energy, I've shrunk into fitting my old pants and less.

He's lucky he got that one million dollar smile complete with dimple and a cleft chin that each time I'm pushed beyond my limit, one look at his amazing big eyes somehow melts my frustration.

Come to think about it, all the worries I had voiced out in my previous post was not unfounded. In fact, you can even call it like some sort of premonition. Haish. Wish I'd been more positive, then maybe I would have had a more positive experience, wouldn't I?

I shall stop here with a promise to myself to update more regularly. We live only once, and my memory is not as sturdy as a hard disk, better make it permanent by jotting it here, right?

Giving birth

Nope. I haven't give birth. Not yet.

But somehow, this pregnancy is really different from the previous two. Well, for once, I am carrying a boy (yeay!) and I've had some series of minor complications this time around.

Noticed some bleeding at 30 weeks and was admitted to the hospital for a night. Alhamdulillah, mummy and baby is doing fine for now.

My hemoglobin count keeps dropping, my blood pressure is always on the low side, I'm borderline diabetic, my weight is steadily increasing (4kgs in one month!!)....don't even ask me how much I weigh now :(

And just now, when I went for my monthly check-up, my baby is in a breech position. The doctor was all calm and said positive things like its still early, but knowing that the head is not engaged at 32 weeks still makes me feel unsettled.

I mean, since my previous two daughters were of normal birth, I am really nervous of this one. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for mothers that have to go through c-sect. You know why? Because I am a scaredy cat who is deathly terrified by needles, operations, medicines and whatnot. I can't even swallow a pill like normal people do. It'll take me half a bottle of water just to get a normal sized capsule down my throat.

I refused epidural for my first two births not because of the need to go organic/au naturel whatnot, but its because I'm scared of the big ass needle poking into my spine. I mean, I'll gladly take the epidural if it can be administered through hmmm gas perhaps?


I closed my eyes throughout giving birth, and I never once dared to peek at whats happening down under. I turned around for every injection, every blood draw (yes, even the ones where they poke the finger using the teeny weenie needle). Due to that, I'm fairly sure that I'll have a panic attack if I have to hear the sound of people slicing open my stomach.

I don't know what to feel, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel either. On one hand, I'm scared of giving birth through vaginal birth, but I think the feeling is somewhat lesser compared to giving birth via csect. At least I have had the experience before, and at least I know the level of pain I'd have to endure. On the other, I know its still early and the baby have a lot of room to turn around and what really matters is the safety of the baby, right?

But for csect...?? Just imagining going into the operation theatre instead of labor room is enough to make me break my sweat.

And, just when it couldn't have been more nerve wrecking, yesterday I met a friend who had to undergo csect for her third birth (her previous two were normal birth) because the baby was in breech position.

Aaaaa...how now brown cow???